Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Riot In Seattle

Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage

Until yesterday, protesters had kept a quiet, good-natured presence outside of the Microsoft's new office in downtown Seattle, handing out free CD's of computer software, and even giving cute little stuffed penguins-their mascot- to the children of passers-by. "They're such NICE young men," said 78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog nearby. "They would pet my dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the X Files. I think they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.

Tear gas fired at crowd.

But these demonstrators, whose numbers have escalated in recent weeks, did in fact turn violent yesterday, clashing with police in the worst street violence in this city's history.

"I don't know what set them off," said Microsoft Security Chief Lester Richard.

"They'd been gathering forces for some time, so I guess I should have expected it. Mr. Gates sent a representative outside to meet with their leaders, and suddenly there were hundreds of them screaming and breaking out windows. Once I was safely upstairs, I called police. They plastered their penguin posters all over our lobby and ate up all my jelly beans" said the 47 year old, with visible frustration. "They even placed a little stuffed penguin on my chair!"

Linux nerd wears gasmask hastily fashioned from a garbage bag, work goggles, a pocket protector- and using the insides of a nutty bar as a filter.

By 1:30PM, the streets had turned to utter chaos as police arrived with riot gear, firing teargas at the crowd. One teargas canister, in a bizarre twist of fate, landed in the doorway of the city's Convention Center, where an NRA-sponsored survivalist organization was holding their annual Gun & Knife Show. In the chaos that followed, no one seemed to know who was fighting whom. Making matters worse, a large contingent from a national motorcycle gang just

happened to be passing through town, and was caught in the melee. Injuries and damage were widespread, with no official estimates yet available. Police restored order sometime just before midnight.

"Death to Graphical User Interfaces!"
screams a penguinhead as he is arrested.

A Peaceful History Shattered

By all accounts, the Linux advocates had until this time, been quite peaceful. Jose Suarez, who owns a small convenience store nearby, had only good things to say about them.

"Before they even arrived in town, their leaders had contacted me by phone, warning me that I would need to stock very heavily on Mountain Dew, Doctor Pepper, and Jolt Cola. They sure do like that stuff. Geez."

Seattle Mayor PauI Schell expressed initial reservations about the influx of penguinheads. "Obviously, when I found out that we were going to have tens of

thousands of outsiders coming to our city, sleeping in their cars, on the sidewalk- I was very concerned. We hadn't dealt with crowds this size since the last Grateful Dead show here- and I'll tell you, these computer nerds are touchy. At least the

hippies stayed mellow till we sent police to the lot to bust their skulls with nightsticks."

"I went down and met with them, and they were really nice for a bunch of computer-geeks. They had some sort of cellular hookup or something, and were on the Internet conspiring with people all over the world. They had cellphones, moving lifesize penguin holograms- the penguin is their symbol- and fax machines, some sort of cable satellite TV so they could watch Star Trek- they impressed me as

Protesters begin burning crates of MSN CD's.

good citizens. I'll admit, they fooled me.. When they got tired of playing soccer or throwing frisbees, they'd get out little homebuilt robots- cute little things, that play what they call 'fooball.' They said they believe that technology, if kept in the hands of the people, will be a source of very good social change. Up until now, our only big problem was with their all-night laser-tag games all over downtown. Deep down, though, I knew it wouldn't take much to push them over the edge."

Linux: Technology of The People, or Systems by Satan?

"PeaceFrog" attempts to sell a linux button to the officer who confiscated his soccer ball. He was quickly arrested for vending without a license.

The young enthusiasts of technology that were picketing Microsoft are advocates of Linux, a computer "operating system" that competes with Microsoft's "Windows" software. Linux is licensed under the Free Software Foundation's General Public License and is literally free. Linux is a form of an operating system called Unix, which has become rather controversial in recent years.

"Linux is by the people, for the people!" exclaims activist

Richard Stanley Dupp Jr.. "It's the result of people who want technology to work for you, not for some rich billionaire whose goal is control of the market and the destruction of the human spirit of creativity." He then said something unintelligible, causing those nearby to burst out laughing.

"That was Klingon for 'it only took one brick to make that window drop!'" explains a protester, who gave his name has PenguinBreeze. PenguinBreeze said he was covering his travel expenses by selling stuffed penguins, Linux stickers, and "fat way-kind veggie burritos."

The billionaire he's referring to is Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, the Henry Ford of computer technology. It was Gates who built an empire by putting PC's in nearly every American home. The Linux activists say that you cannot purchase a computer without Windows, and seek a refund on the addition to a PC's price. Neither manufacturers nor Microsoft will give the requested refund.

But not everyone agrees that this challenge to the Microsoft empire is based in good intentions. For most of the past week, the picketers have been the focus of another organization, Seattle Citizens Unix Mobilization, a group that opposes Unix-oriented systems for religious reasons.

"These cyberpunks are the hardcore subversives- the people who abuse our technology, hack into our missile sites, question our clergy, defile our morality, trivialize our art, mock our culture, and pervert innocent souls with cybersex, pornography, and Disney World," said John Holmes, the organization's president. "They call their favorite software 'Satan,' they call their computers 'demons,' and the website of their leaders is called "satanic.org." Did you know that '666' in Linux means 'give myself permission, give groups permission, and give everyone permission?'

The dignified-looking, elderly Holmes and his followers had been urging state and federal authorities to step in, picketing the picketers around the clock for nearly a week. "They talk about 'the people' and the evils of capitalism. They're nothing but socialist anarchists working for the liberal Jewish homosexual environmentalist media!" he added.

Radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger also jumped into the controversy. "They talk about freedom but not of personal responsibility, permissiveness without morality. And what is their symbol? Is it a religious symbol? A patriotic symbol? A symbol of morality or decency? No. Their symbol is a penguin- a PENGUIN! An eagle that can't fly, a chicken with no nutritional value, a clumsy, stupid creature that waddles and wallows in the icy shell of a cold, lonely hell of isolation," she told listeners yesterday.

Noon: The Nerds Go Nuts

The event that apparently triggered the rioting was, ironically, an act of kindness, generosity, and goodwill on the part of Microsoft. It was not well received, however, among these anarchic backers of free living and free software. Microsoft spokesperson John Mash met with the leaders of the protest, and made them an offer which, he said, was sure to satisfy them.

"I couldn't believe it- it HURT" said Linux activist FooManchu, tears welling up in his eyes at the

Protesters charge the front gate, where they covered the Microsoft logo with a Linux logo.

memory. "Do you know what they were offering? They were going to give each of us an MSN CD and ten free hours. I just totally lost it. We all did. It got really confusing when all those gun nuts came pouring out of the Convention Center."

"Those gun nut jerks deserved to be teargassed," said Herman Kriegek, 31, of Worthington Ohio, on condition that he not be identified. "The sick, bloodthirsty animals came out of the gun show shouting about the UN and martial law. But they didn't know which side we were on. Our stuffed penguins seemed to really confuse them. They finally seemed to decide they'd better kick our asses just to be sure, and they were doing just that when we heard this sound, like thunder."

That thunderous noise was from the motorcycles of some 300-400 members of the Judas Disciples motorcycle gang, who were passing through downtown in formation. They has just attended the funeral of one of their own who had been gunned down in a barroom brawl.

"I was running from the gun nuts and the police, and was running down the middle of the street in a panic. I thought it couldn't possibly get worse. I look up and it's a freakin million bikers wearing gang colors, coming right at me. The guy asks me why I'm runnin' and I tell him that they're trying to kill us because we're into Linux. This dude, the meanest, most evil-looking dude I ever saw in my life looks at me and says 'sheeeit, Linux? I run Red Hat on my linux box" and nods to the dude next to him. Turns out that the chief enforcer for the gang had met Linus Torvalds at Sturgis way back years ago. Linus turned him on to Red Hat, and he's been writing GNU software ever since."

Police have rounded up most of the organizers, who are now in jail awaiting bond hearings. Still being sought is the suspected leader of the cult. "They know that we know about their leader. We're overheard their whisperings. This "Colonel" guy will be tracked down, and he WILL be brought to justice," said Seattle police Lt. Turner Treaques. "He thinks we're stupid, but we're hot on his trail."

According to jailer Mike Fostquel, the captured nerds are model prisoners. "They made a crude but listenable crystal radio out of a light bulb, a crayon, and a square of toilet paper, and a rock. They say they'll have linux on it by next week. They seem to be having a really good time. Tell ya the truth, I'll hate to see 'em go."